Carla Ives

May 202016

PHOTO Empty Pockets free photoSeems like more and more people have been complaining about being out of money lately. Okay, I get it. The economy sucks. . . for most of us. But when the (formerly?) rich and famous start doing it, you have to wonder. According to TMZ, the latest celeb crying poor mouth (as we say in my home town of Philadelphia) is David Hasselhoff, The Hoff, the former star of Knight Rider, Baywatch and lots of other things. The Hoff claims to only have $4,000 to his name. He’s broke.

Let’s take a look at what it means to be broke. Since Google is my friend, I pulled up a screen and typed in “definition of broke.” Google says:

broke (adjective)  having completely run out of money.

synonyms: penniless, moneyless, bankrupt, insolvent, ruined, down-and-out, without a penny to one’s name, without a cent, without one red cent, without two pennies to rub together.

Penniless, moneyless, insolvent, down-and-out, having completely run out of money. Got it? I know I sure do. Been there/done that/gladly accepted the government cheese.

PHOTO David Hasselhoff

Poor Hoff. He’s broke. Or so he wants us to believe. He only has $4,000 left to his name. In the days of raising my kids, there were many times I had to figure out how to feed them when I only had FOUR DOLLARS left to my name. But, yeah, I know I’m a lowly peasant and not Hollywood royalty, those who deserve an affluent lifestyle due to the worship of the sheeple. (Ooops…sorry. Too early for that degree of snark.)

So. . . he’s broke. Or should we make that cash poor? I still don’t call only having $4,000 cash poor, but, hey, what do I know? And then I read a little farther down the TMZ article and. . . the voice of an infomercial barker resounds in my head.

But wait. . . . there’s more!!! There’s the minor detail of having $1.79 million in non-broke assets, like “real estate, retirement savings, cars, jewelry, art and other odds and ends.” Oh yeah, that’s B-R-O-K-E. We should all be so broke!

Oh, and did I mention that the article says he makes $112,000 a month, but spends $66,000 of that? So he has practically nothing left when he gets done paying his ex, shelling out living expenses and spending his $66K. Poor baby can’t save a penny. What the hell do you spend 66 grand a month on? I won’t go into how many people don’t make that in a year, yet alone count it as chump change.

So what’s a poor, broke actor to do? Petition the court to reduce support payments to his ex, of course!

SURPRISE! She’s not buying it. She says he has lots more than that $1.79 mill in property all over the world. Grab a beer and some popcorn, folks, so you’ll be ready for the bitch fight in court at the end of the month.

You know what’s the worst part in all this? People feel SORRY for someone who came to fame on his looks and the fact that he reads lines well and who now ONLY has $4,000 in cash plus $1.79 million (and possibly more) in assets. THEY FEEL SORRY FOR HIM!!! I just sit here, tapping on keys to make a living, shaking my head.

Hoff, I have some advice for you from a fan, me, one of the real people out there who knows what it’s like to be truly broke.

Have a yard sale, dude!

And just so you know, Hoff is not alone in this phenomenon known as “crying broke.” Congress is currently bitching that they can’t live on $174,000 a year. Do NOT get me started on that.

OBH over and out.

May 192016

OBH Photo TRS 80The somewhat inelegant title of this article is a comment I saw on a social media network when someone posted the You Tube video for the song Brand New Key by Melanie. It was released in 1971.  Which got me to thinking. . . . I know.  Dangerous, eh?

My first thought was, “Whaddya mean you don’t know WTF a roller skate key is?” And then it hit me that it’s probably been a long time since kids strapped on those metal skates and tightened them onto their PF Flyers with a key. Let’s see what else I remember from my childhood days of yore.

>I had an original Barbie doll.
>I had an original Hula Hoop.
>I was married by the time the first Atari ping pong ball jumped the cyber net.
>I was married when Beta and/or VHS movies became *the thing* to watch at home.
>I got my first cell phone at 49.

And the beat goes on.

Okay, okay, I’ve got it. I quality for Certified Old Fart status.

In my own defense, though, I should point out that I had a computer in 1985. It was a Radio Shack TRS 80, lovingly called a TRASH 80 by its aficionados. For what I paid for that machine back then, I could get one today that could run your life, right down to cooking your eggs sunny side up. It used huge 8″ floppy disks (two of them!) and it was slow. S-L-O-W. How slow? Thanks for asking. My old joke was that you could give it a command, go cook dinner, have dessert, wash and put away the dishes and you might. . . . might come back to a finished task.

Today’s younguns have grown up on technology. That’s both good and bad. They can run circles around me techwise, but will they ever know the extreme thrill of getting royally pissed and slamming a heavy black telephone receiver down in an attempt to shatter the ear drum of the person on the other end of the line? Can they jump Double Dutch? Do they know what Olly Olly Oxen Free means? Well, quite frankly, I had to look that one up for the exact meaning. . . but my pronunciation was first rate!

And, unfortunately, most of them will never know the thrill of tightening your skates with a skate key and taking off down the sidewalk or the back alley with the wind in your hair. It’s sad, really.

The children of today have all new entertainment, some of it good and some of it not so good. I applaud the new and the good, but I mourn the passing of the old.

Now where did I put that skate key?

OBH over and out.