Panties, undies, choners, unmentionables or whatever you call them, we all need ‘em unless, that is, you’re a commando type of gal. There are a gazillion styles out there now in all sizes. But if you don’t want granny panties and you’re not quite ready for what I lovingly call butt floss, how do you find something comfortable in between? What follows is a humorous look at my (frustrating) hunt for the perfect panties.
Due to surgery and stomach muscle removal from a nasty little thing called MRSA, I am plagued with Jabba the Gut and the relatively flat ass I was born with. Therefore, while I don’t quite want grannie panties, hipsters and bikinis don’t work for me. They’re uncomfortable and create more rolls than Pillsbury. However, I do have certain demands for what is under my jeans. No tighty-whities. I was forced into white undies from diapers till I left home. I was taught you gotta be able to bleach “da curse” outta them. Well, I’ve been spayed since 1998, so no more. Now I like ’em wild and colorful!!!
(1) MUST be cotton
(2) MUST be stretch cotton (due to said problem with Jabba the Gut)
(3) MUST have a fairly strong waistband
(4) MUST come all the way up to my waisted line
(5) MUST not need a personal loan from the bank to afford
(6) Did I already say they MUST be loud and colorful? 🙂
The Perfect Panties That Were
I found the perfect panties that met all these requirements a few years back at Avenue. And then one day I found an even better version of the style at Lane Bryant. So I started buying them there. I would wait for the semi-annual sales and buy 6-8 pair at a time.
Last year, my body told me it needed to be smaller. I have movement issues and it’s not rocket science to know that a smaller body is easier to move through the time/space continuum. The birth of a very feisty grandbaby to chase brought this home even more. So when I could pull my fave Lane Bryant panties up over my boobs, I happily trotted back to LB for new ones, a size smaller.
And then came the day that I happily trotted back to Lane Bryant to get the next size down. . . only to discover there was NO next size down. “No problem,” says I. I will simply find them elsewhere a size smaller. “HAH HAH HAH,” says the fashion industry.
What I Wanted
I decided I needed Jockeys. Growing up, undies were called jockeys in my home. Then I discovered that Jockey isn’t overly fond of fat folk. The largest I found were a size 7. Maybe with stretch, but as they were? Not even with a prescription! I should clarify that they don’t seem to like fat women. Their mens’ undies come in a much wider size range. Oh, and did I mention that a 3-pack is $22.50? So no Jockeys for me. I should note here that I have just discovered that Jockey does indeed make plus sizes. Of course, these cost even more and you have to order them from their website as most stores only carry the smaller sizes.
Finding any type of decent full briefs is a pain in the butt (yes, pun intended). I repeat. . . I will NOT wear white granny panties. Yes, I’m a granny but. . . as previously noted more than once, I like bright colors, a decent fabric and a good waistband. Yes, I am willing to pay a little more for these features. But finding it? Nobody wants my money. . . or so it seems.
First stop, the internet. I decided to search. And search and search and. . . . well, you get the idea. Yes, my searches were specific. I would put in “stretch cotton ladies briefs” and would get. . . microfiber panties, nylon panties, bikini panties, hipster panties, the aforementioned butt floss and on and on and on and on. Did you not notice, Google, that I said stretch cotton briefs? And I thought you were my friend. 🙁
Hours were spent at Walmart, Target, JC Penney, anywhere they sold ladies underwear here in Lower Cowpie Heaven. As my old ones were wearing out and/or falling down, I needed something fast. I should note here I tried a variety of specialty undies, different fabrics, cuts, etc., just in case I could fudge my standards a bit. Nope. Didn’t work.
What I Got
So I finally decide I have to buy something and pick up a package of el cheapos at Wally’s. They were high cut but it was all I could find in the size. They were very, very thin and as see-through as a sheet of Saran Wrap despite their bright patterns and colors. Actually, they fit well, but I am not a gentle old lady by any means. I tend to yank things up and down and the waistband tore on the first wearing. Oh well, they’re tucked away for when I forget to do the wash. I should note here for those who can wear them, there is a new brand at Walmart, Target, etc. called Fit For Me that are wonderful. They start at size 9. I would have adored these a few years ago.
Next came Fruit of the Loom. Good ‘ole reliable Fruit of the Loom. We hunted. We searched. We damn near threw packages of underwear on the floor looking for the correct size. Finally, my husband spotted a package that said “briefs” and not “modern briefs,” code for just try to get these puppies up above your belly button! The Holy Grail lives! Well, all I can say is that they are somewhat better than the first ones. Nicer fabric, softer. But. . . they are much larger in the size than the first batch and still see-through thin. And a few bucks more per package.
The one-offs. I have purchased singles in a variety of places, all very disappointing. Had I found one that fit all my requirements, I would have gone back and purchased every pair in the store.
Catalog to the Rescue
While perusing the Woman Within catalog for my first blog review, I thought I saw something in the panty pages. I thumbed right by. Then I went back. Surely, it couldn’t be. . . BUT IT WAS! The same kind of (yes, by all that is holy, it said stretch cotton briefs!!!) panties I had purchased at Avenue and Lane Bryant. And wonder of wonders, they came in a size smaller than what I had! A coupon made them reasonable, shipping included, so I placed an order. Panty heaven, at least for now.
How About You?
What style undies do you prefer? Why? Where do you get them? Help an OBH out here, K?
See ya next time!
BTW, I am not affiliated with any of the companies featured here. I put the links in for your convenience should you decide to check ’em out. 🙂